volcanic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ms v ponders her current crush Oh my goodness. I have a crush. A serious crush. Probably the biggest crush I've had in years. It's so strange and new and wonderful that I can't really tell what it is- "crush" is the nearest word I can find to describe it, but it doesn't really do it justice... There's this guy- we'll call him Bob- and he's doing a placement on my ward. I really like him. I don't know if he likes me, because I'm so enormously crap at telling these kind of things. He's pretty good-looking (i.e. tall, shaved head, glasses, strong, capable forearms, you get the gist). It's not even particularly sexual (well, to be honest, it is a bit), but we just seem to get on very well. Today we had our break together, and we talked about art and stuff that excites us, like sabre-tooth tiger skulls and this enormous minotaur sculpture that I wish I'd bought, and his fish. He asked me to help him with his CV, and we swapped URLs for our favourite websites, and we discovered that we both love Agent Provocateur lingerie. We leafed through a really cheesy sex aid catalogue that we found poking out of one of our colleague's handbags, and agreed that most of the stuff in there was cheap and nasty. The other day, I was quietly having my lunch, and he came in and started telling me the results of FHM magazine's global sex survey. There's something vaguely disquieting- in an altogether attractive way- about someone who feels comfortable enough to open a conversation with "Did you know 20% of German people are into watersports?". Especially while I'm having my lunch. Don't get me wrong, though- he wasn't being lairy or vulgar with it. I've never even heard him swear, to the point where I've become conscious of me doing it, and feeling embarrassed. I don't know. I move in three weeks. This is such a bad time for me to be meeting people that I feel any kind of connection with. I'm pretty certain he's not looking for a relationship right now. Then again, neither am I. I don't know whether or not it'd be worth trying to engineer some kind of brief but exciting situation, on the understanding that it's self-contained and limited in its scope. Bah. This is bloody typical. He offered to come round and fit a USB port for me, but I have no idea when this is likely to happen, if at all. That'd be nice, but I think I'd just like a night out with him- because he's good, stimulating company- and not get stressed about where it's meant to be heading. He likes drinking and collects big knives. He's very fit and I feel a bit blobby and podgy- too blobby and podgy, and I know that plenty of men think Kylie's gorgeous, but knowing that he does makes me feel a bit unsexy, and a bit like I'm wasting my time. And I hate all the games that are allegedly involved in the whole mating'n'dating thing, probably because I'm so inexperienced at dating'n'mating (well, certainly the "dating" bit) that I go to pieces in situations like this. One of my colleagues said that he reckoned Bob'd be "in there like a rat up a drainpipe", but then this same guy also can't understand why I'm not fighting the men off in droves. The game-playing and etiquette thing does my head in, though. My friend said I shouldn't make it too obvious and everything (which, incidentally, I don't think I am)... I wish it felt OK (both to me personally, and on a wider, societal level) to just say to him "Y'know, I really enjoy your company, and I find you attractive, and I'd like to get to know you better". Does that sound really naff? Bah. Send me words of encouragement and advice, dear people. If I'm going to act, I'm going to have to do it relatively fast, and at the moment, I don't know what to do, or how to go about it. I don't want to waste any more opportunities, I just want a little bit of stimulating excitement to celebrate my new start. 10:59 p.m. - 07.08.02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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