volcanic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- grumpy old bag Heheh. I wondered how long it would last. The Famous All-Singing, All-Dancing Volcanic Paranoia Extravaganza has hit town. Admittedly, activity has calmed down since its arrival this morning, but nevertheless, I feel a little disturbed for want of a better word. The problem? Well, let’s see… First off, I’m fretting because inevitably, the initial mad magic of my relationship with George (is that what I decided to call him? I can’t remember exactly. Anyway, I’m referring to that lovely man that I’m seeing- or NOT seeing right now, as it happens, due to the distance etc etc) has started to settle down a bit into something slightly less mental. If you remember, when we first started seeing each other, it was all a bit frenzied- no doubt because time was against us as I was on the brink of moving and all the rest of it. Anyway, I’d like to think that I’m realistic enough to know that it’s neither usually possible or healthy to keep up that kind of momentum in a relationship for ever - although note my use of the word “usually” to demonstrate that I don’t really know everything. But right now, I’m struggling to find a good reason why he should want to be involved with me. In fact, to be honest, I’m not sure what I’m giving him at all. (Well, I did give him this last week, but that’s not what I mean- I’m talking about the metaphysical- and indeed the in-the-flesh-physical, too. Having said that, I have apparently scored very high Top Bird Points for buying him that book. Apparently “most girls” think blokes are pervs for owning books like that, let alone actually buying books like that for their chaps as gifts. But I digress…) I don’t know. What do you actually get from long-distance relationships? I feel like a bleating ninny here, because there are countless people I can think of who have got over distances far, far bigger than this one in order to keep their big lurve thangs big and full of lurve. I mean, we speak on the phone virtually every day. At least twice. I’ve never demanded this amount of calls, and neither has he. They just happen, and more than a lot of things, their occurrence continues to surprise me. We usually have plenty to talk about- and it’s not often “oooh, I really miss you” kind of stuff. Maybe that’s the problem, actually. Or one part of it. I think I’m in need of a bit of verbal ego-stroking. I know he likes me, he’s just bought a car that I’m not sure he can really afford to run, and when I commented on the increased freedom that it’d give him, he replied that he’d only bought it to come and see me. And he does lots of sweet things for me, from upgrading my PC, to (more frighteningly) upgrading my parents’ PC. And physically ran away from my mum when she tried to pay him for it (although she did end up tucking the squids in question into his back pocket in the end- I suspect this was an excuse to touch his bum, I think she fancies him a bit, which I’m cool with!). And he’s done me a whole heap of videos and he bought lovely food in for me when I visited and… …y’know, I really don’t need to do an inventory of his good deeds here. The good deeds have happened, and continue to happen, and I have no doubts as to whether or not I’m the kind of person that people do good deeds for. I just think I need a big dose of “Emma, you’re gorgeous/ sexy/ very intelligent/ hot stuff/ the filthiest woman I’ve ever met”- not because I need reassurance on any of those, because it’d be nice. Am I still being a brat here? I need to know he’s sizzling at the thought of coming to see me; I need to know that he’s thinking about me in the bath. Is that so very bad? Am I hugely crap because I want these concepts verbalised? tell me, please. On a wildly different note- proving that I remain in need of lithium if nothing else (not really: that's a joke- albeit an un-PC one)- if you like Halo Jones, and you use WinAmp, go here and have lots of exciting fun downloading not one but TWO rather splendid skins. See- it's not all doom and gloom round here... 8:51 p.m. - 13.10.02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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