volcanic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- here it comes... Oh crikey. This whole good news vs bad news dichotomy does my head in. Today’s been pretty good, on the whole: we found out that we’re finally getting Disability Living Allowance for Fatboy. This means that money-wise, things are going to be a lot groovier here than they were. Fatboy’s school were having a training day, so me and him wandered off to the gorgeous Arts Centre that’s a stone’s throw from our house, and ate cake and drank coffee and chocolate and did some xmas shopping. I felt financially confident enough to do a big supermarket shop, and had the luxury of getting it delivered. I bumped into someone who I haven’t spoken to in weeks due to my pervading melancholia, and met some new people which was good. No complaints so far, eh? In fact, the only thing that’s bothering me right now is the George situation. Remember when I first realised I had a huge big crush on him? When it seemed so magical and amazing and wonderful and perfect and right? That’s all gone out of the window, it seems. I wish I could put my finger on what’s gone wrong. I wish I knew why he wasn’t coming to see me. He says it’s because he hasn’t got any money, but I think we all know deep down that when you need the money for something, you can always find it. I mean, he’s got money for beer and Gamecube games and new trousers and stuff. He can justify it all, and it sounds plausible, in fairness, but deep down it feels to me like he’s voting with his feet. I’m lucky if I get a decent email once a week and our phone calls are getting painfully strained. It all feels really horrible- I can’t begin to explain how very sad I am about all this. It just feels like it’s fizzling out. Or possibly even fizzled out already. I know that we’ve both been through really rough patches in our own lives over the past few weeks, and I can’t help thinking that it’s blown everything. I always knew it was going to be a strain, doing a long distance relationship that was so new, but… Agh, fuck. I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but I’ve got a pretty good idea. I think I scared him by saying that I’d like to do some post-grad studies if my grades are good enough- which means I wouldn’t be going home in three years time. I know that George wants to settle down (not necessarily with me, I’m not presuming that), and I know that in the past he’s ended relationships that he hasn’t thought would eventually lead to that. And me and my dear best friend have talked about it, and we both agree that for us there has to be some kind of agenda to a relationship; neither of us are young or carefree enough to just meander aimlessly with no goals. I don’t know. It’s crap, isn’t it? I really wanted this one to be the one where I got a really good chance at getting what I wanted from life for once; I wanted George to be the one that made all the other shitheads worth it. There was a telling moment last night: George surprised me by saying that if anything happened, he still wanted us to be friends. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to work out what the “if anything happened” bit was referring to. I just asked him if he’d been thinking about it, and he said that he was concerned that the distance and the time and the money were going to make it very hard to sustain things. And then, sometimes I wonder if all that’s just excuses, y’know? Whether he’s just saying all that because he doesn’t want to say that he doesn’t like me anymore, or he doesn’t fancy me anymore, because that happens, right? And when it does, people don’t necessarily tell the truth about it, do they? And yet we talked about it, and he said he was happy in the relationship, and valued me and appreciated me and all that, and he told me how he’d been telling his friends that on top of everything else, me and him were really good friends. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? My powers of judgement are all to pot at the moment. Oh god, I feel like a fraud and a phony. I know there are people out there with far bigger problems than all this, and it just feels like history repeating itself to me. I so badly wanted it to be different this time. There are so many things that I like about him, so many things that we’ve done together that have been incredibly precious to me, my son loves him to bits and yet now it feels incredibly fragile. I could really do with a cuddle right now… 11:32 p.m. - 25.11.02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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