volcanic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in which we have volcanic eruptions... I am SO fucking pissed off, angry and hurt it's almost unbelievable. I have no idea what's going on in George's head right now, but I'd like to hope he's having a little think about his actions, and more to the point, his LACK of actions, and trying to work out what he might possibly have done to make me feel quite so fucked off. I really can't be arsed to recount the whole sordid telephone conversation we just had, but to put it in a nutshell, he's got five days off over the xmas holidays (ie when I'll actually be in the same town as him) and he's just told me it's unlikely that he'll be able to see me because he's got to write his final essay. He's known about this essay for months. He had about six weeks off work in October/ November, but his good intentions of going to the library then deserted him. To say I'm flabbergasted is an understatement. I said to him - You're taking the piss, right And he said - No, I'm serious, I'm not taking the piss - Well, it feels like you're taking the piss to me - [Startled silence] - Have you got NO sense of priority whatsoEVER? - Uh uh uh - I can't fucking believe what i'm hearing... I can't talk about this... bye And so that's that. It's been brewing inside me for days, and I suspected it was going to erupt at some point, and it has. I'm so angry with him for not realising what he was doing [and no, I don't mean "oh shit, I wish men were telepathic", because I've been making my demands and needs quite clear]but rather I wish he'd realised that I've actually been really hurting from not seeing him. I've had a shitty few weeks, which in uncharacteristic style I haven't whinged on about at length here, mostly because it's been Fatboy's shitty time, and not mine per se. But yes, I've pretty much felt like dumping all my responsibilities and just letting loose for the past week or so, and not even that has urged him into any kind of action. To be fair [which isn't coming particularly comfortably or naturally to me at this moment in time, he's been having a difficult time, too. He has issues related to the whole xmas thing which have made him decide to opt out of the proceedings, which I respect, although I haven't found it easy to accept. He's got very little money, and is working pretty much full time at the psych hospital and also completing his final coursework, which I know is tough, because I've been there myself. Hell, as I told him last week, I was on anti-depressants when I was at that point in my training. So no, I'm not saying "Oh my life is crap and I need rescuing, regardless of YOUR needs", I was just saying "Hey maybe a little bit of quality time would sort us BOTH out right now". I know he felt the same because he said so; he told me many, many times how badly he wanted to be cuddling with me. Yeah right. Not badly enough, eh? Now, I realise that some of you are probably wondering to yourselves why I didn't just hop on a train and go back there if this was such a big deal? Well, I did, a month ago. And because it was the week before George got paid, I somewhat blithely and [in retrospect] naively assumed he was coming up on payday, as we'd planned. It didn't happen. By Thursday of that week I realised he had no intentions of coming up, so I went to stay with my dear best friend instead. If that sounds like game-playing, I apologise for my inarticulacy, because it was never meant to be a tit-for-tat scenario, more the dawning of my realisation that I had to give him the space to potentially take an action himself, rather than doing what came naturally to me and steamrollering into the situation, thereby making it very easy for me and absolving him of any responsibility to actually do something himself. So there you have it. I really don't know what will happen next- I have no idea whether I'll come offline in a minute and find torrents of abusive messages on my voicemail, or if I'll wake up to a plaintive email in my box or what. I really have no idea. I couldn't begin to tell you how I suspect George will act or react, which maybe says something and maybe doesn't. Rest assured I'll fill you in, though. I do suspect I'll be here venting considerably over the next few days if things have gone as tits-up as I think... 10:34 p.m. - 09.12.02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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