volcanic's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

as if...

Dear George,

Nearly a week’s gone by since I last had any contact with you, and there’s a mass of things I want to say.

Firstly, I haven’t rung you because I’m unsure whether or not you want to have any contact with me anymore. Your apparent reluctance to come and visit- or indeed spend any time with me at all, culminating in your speculation that you wouldn’t be able to see me over the Christmas holidays- has slowly had the effect of making me think that you possibly just didn’t want to see me anymore. I’ve suspected for some time that you were “voting with your feet” as it were, but most of the time I just wrote that off as me being insecure or a little paranoid.

Confusingly, while I was worrying about our relationship, you were still emailing and IM’ing me with pictures and descriptions of what you’d like to be doing with me- which included your need for lots of cuddling, as well as plenty of other more raunchy activities. So, even when I was concerned on the inside, I had enough evidence to reassure me that however busy and stressful your life is at the moment, deep down you still wanted me.

And that was all I ever wanted really- just to know that you still wanted me. When I first got to know you I was overwhelmed by the feelings I was experiencing, they seemed to go above and beyond anything I’d ever felt before. I think a large part of that was due to me feeling that for the first time, someone accepted and wanted and desired me for exactly who I am. I’d been waiting for that for so long. It was priceless to me to be able to be natural and comfortable and under no pressure to change anything about myself, because not only did you like me the way I am, but you positively celebrated it. As lovers, I truly felt that we connected in a very special way- again I think the acceptance and sensitivity and consideration I felt from you were the perfect foil for the spirit of adventure and discovery that made it all so incredibly exciting and moving.

I know the past few months haven’t been easy for you, and that on top of the workload of your coursework and placement, you’ve also been dealing with your own personal demons and going through a rough time in terms of your low mood and the frustrations caused by having little money right now. Hand on heart, I honestly feel that I’ve been as supportive and caring as it’s been possible to be at this distance, and that there have been times- which we’ve talked about together- when I’ve been genuinely very concerned about your wellbeing. I want you to know that I still care about you a great deal, and that I really hope that all the hard work you’ve put into your training will pay off very soon, and bring a turning point in your life where you can finally leave all the tragic events of the past behind you.

When we first got together, I had no idea where this whole big mad thing was going- after all, I was about to move here to Wales, and was embarking on a very different life myself, which has brought its own pressures over the last few months. It hasn’t been easy settling here in a strange place- the bright, clever inspiring people who I hoped to befriend have yet to appear, and Fatboy’s been going through his own traumas at school, which have also taken their toll on my sleep and my tolerance. There have been good bits- I can’t deny that- but at the same time much of the past four months have often been a lonely struggle.

One of the things that have kept me going through all that time was the knowledge that you were there for me. We never made any kind of plan or promise that we’d speak to each other every day, but somehow that’s the way it turned out, often more than once a day. And that’s without mentioning the e-mails and the lengthy IM sessions.

After all that contact, this silence now is very difficult to bear. Part of me is yearning to telephone you or e-mail you, just to establish some kind of contact. I’m assuming you’ve either blocked me on your IM buddylist, or that you’re hiding your online status, because I haven’t noticed you online at all over the past week. I think that’s one of the reasons that I haven’t been in touch, because that feels to me like you really don’t want to have any further contact with me- whether I like it or not.

I have no idea what you’re thinking about our last phone call; I freely admit that I lost my temper and that I hung up on you. At the time I was feeling so hurt and disappointed that it came out in a burst of anger. I was really looking forward to seeing you at Christmas. Not seeing you for two or three weeks was hard enough, and then that dragged on to a month, and finally, although it would have been six weeks since we’d last been together, I was going to be with you again at Christmas. I was very excited about that- indeed, in these past few weeks when a lot of my life has seemed quite grim and painful, the thought of seeing you again soon was like a beacon to me; it was keeping me focussed and keeping me going. I know you didn’t have any plans to celebrate Christmas in any way, and I was looking forward to being able to escape from the rigours of family festivities and having a little peace and quality time with you.

Where this leaves us now, I don’t know. Part of me thinks I should just lick my wounds for a while, then gather myself together and move on with my life. Another part of me is still desperate for some answers: I wish I knew whether or not it was your intention for us to split up, and if you figured it would happen sooner or later if you just made yourself unavailable. I wish I knew what your feelings were about the time we spent together- whether or not things felt the same for you. I can honestly say that for me, the good times were amazing, and I’m grateful for the opportunities I had to experience such wonderful feelings.

I don’t think I have much else left to say, just that I am still thinking of you, often, and wondering if there is anything else I can do to get the good stuff back- because I miss it, and that hurts…

Emma xxx

[Have I sent this to him? Have I bollocks. Do you think I should? Let me know…]